Every now and then my usual depressive state is interrupted by a flash of, for lack of better words, hope. Maybe it's to do with the weather - it is sunny today, almost enough so to make me forget about the failed plans to meet up with my friend today. Admittedly I get a bit upset every time I think about how I pass almost everyday in my bedroom, good days, days when everyone else is outside enjoying the good weather. I do like the summer, but in the autumn and winter I don't feel as bad about not doing anything at all. Perhaps I just like having an excuse. I'm so far behind on my collage work and my exams, REAL EXAMS, are in just over a month. I'd be totally lying if I said I wasn't worried. I've been telling myself for the past decade that I'm some sort of genius; I really hope that's true. To keep myself from dying of unproductiveness I occasionally tidy my room ( not that it's tidy right now ). Also I've begun a new project - you remember Blingee? It's sort of like that. The only issue right now is that I'm such a dumbass when it comes to javascript. Hopefully this will be a good starter project for me to get a footing. I've been thinking a lot recently about how I'm gonna get a job as a programmer. I don't even know what I want to program and it's been my only real aspiration for as long as I can remember. I can't even remember wanting to be a vet or a nurse or anything else which kids normally want to become. I've thought about settling for an office job - I really like the sounds of being a personal assistant to some middle aged semi-attractive dilf, but that's purely fetishistic, so maybe I shouldn't settle for that. I don't know what I'm saying right now, I guess I'm just trying to get down all of these feelings as I'm having them. I've tried keeping a diary several times, but it just never really stuck - I struggle with routines. Maybe I just lack discipline. Or maybe I find it pointless since there is nobody to read it for me. If my feelings and experiences aren't acknowledged or witnessed, do they even exist?